My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
You Might Also Like
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
is this how new cars are made??
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
is nasa ok
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.