To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
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the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it