Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
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This squirrel eats better than I do
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go