I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
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“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
The pen is writier than the sword.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please