“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
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BETRAYAL
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it