*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
You Might Also Like
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Smooooooth
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.