PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
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I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
scared to check what name she chose
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
im 7 sauces long
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.