We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
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Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I enjoy a good short stor
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.