Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Beauty and the Beast
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.