The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
“You’d better run, egg!”
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?