Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
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Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.