What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Just a reminder, folks:
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
dictator is short for richard potato
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.