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Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
very niche meme I made
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.