Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Webb. James Webb.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
*mops up wine with cat*
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.