I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
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I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
How I’d get arrested…
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did