Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
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I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.