Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
good work, detective
When he asks for feet pics
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now