I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
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The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Saw your ex at the shops
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.