Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
You Might Also Like
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song