The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
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ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
A drum solo but on your face.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.