Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.