Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
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You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.