Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Me irl
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me buying fruit and veg
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
peep davidson
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.