I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
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[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?