Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
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To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work