Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
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Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”