The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me