Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
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DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”