“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
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niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy