just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
You Might Also Like
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.