Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
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Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I love art.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Current mood: Potato
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Google assistant rules