No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
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Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.