MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)