My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
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During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I think this should do it.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.