i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.