Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
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A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Writing, She Murdered.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks