big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
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Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils