Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
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Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.