We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
You Might Also Like
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year