All is fair in drunk and war.
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I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.