Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
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Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room