My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
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I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
We need to put an American base on the sun