Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
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I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.