hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
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My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in