the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
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[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*