The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
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I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
❤️❤️❤️
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.