My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
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The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Education is vital
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose