Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
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Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.