If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
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Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?