I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
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Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)